Puberty, Masturbation and Courtship
by andy has an idea
Summary: Full Title: Puberty, Masturbation and Courtship and the End of Man as We Know It. My response to a fic by Randomonium. Professor Dick Cheese explains. Author holds no rights to Naruto. In fact, the author holds no rights at all.


A/N: My response to Randomonium's Menstruation, Conception, and Childbirth fic. I litteraly wrote this in thiry minutes.

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Professor Dick Cheese explains

Puberty, Masturbation, and Courtship

And the End of Man as We Know It 

_Puberty refers to the physical changes and adolescent male goes through when his brain tells his testicles to start producing testosterone, the sex steroid in men. They often undergo various physical changes including but not limited to: Hair growth, changes in body structure and muscle development. _

"Damn it, Shikamaru," Yoshino scolded. "Eat your food. You're a growing boy." Shikamaru would just push his food around his plate, not particularly desire to eat anymore. Yoshino, on the other hand, was concerned for her son's health. Over the last few months, she had watched the cuffs of her son's pants rise from his ankles to the middle of his calves. He would wear the new pants she had gotten him. That stubborn little bastard.

_Pubescent boys have difficulty controlling arousal and often find themselves aroused in awkward social situations. _

"You're so gross, did you know that?" Ino spat as she looked away from Shikamaru.

"What?" he asked incredulously. Chouji walked away deciding this was not a conversation that he wanted to get into.

Why do you have to do that," she said pointing to the tent he was pitching. "Right now?"

Looking down, he realized that his discomfort was clearly visible to those around him. Swearing under his breath, he tried his best to take control of his body but it just wouldn't listen to him. "I can't help it," he pleaded.

"Well, don't get near me with that _thing_," she huffed. "I don't want to catch something."

_Young men will find themselves getting aroused by thoughts of the opposite sex. This is the body's way of preparing them for reproduction. By participating in autoeroticism, they can relieve themselves of the excess blood pressure as well as the undo social and psychological pressures brought on by puberty._

"Mom!" Shikamaru scrambled to pull his pants up and not looked totally embarrassed. "What the hell are you doing?!"

Yoshino looked at her son with scrutinizing eyes. She didn't know why but she suddenly felt the need to come and check on him. Finding him in a compromising situation, only seemed to confirm her suspicions. Scanning the room, she quickly found something she did not approve of lying on the edge of his bed. Striding across the room, she confiscated the paraphernalia and looked at her son menacingly.

"We're going to have a talk about this," she stated firmly, sending the boy into a embarrassed shock. "Just wait until your father gets home." She turned and walked out of his room, mumbling something about how she raised him better than that.

_There comes a time in a young man's life when he begins to search for a mate. Courtship is the social process of selectively choosing a mate with a propensity for monogamy. The idea being that one man shall mate with only one woman for the entirety of their natural lives. Social stigma provides many reasons for this but the root lies much deeper in the unconscious mind._

"Um," he said. He was off to a bad start but the man standing opposite him wasn't making it any easier. The fact that his face was unreadable only made matters worse. His opinion mattered to Shikamaru whether he knew it or not and the fact that he couldn't detect any positive signs from the man was making him falter. "I guess what I'm trying to say is…" he started again, rubbing the back of his head nervously. "I would like your permission to court your sister."

The man's face finally changed but to a quizzical look. "I fail to see why you need to ask this of me," the Kazekage stated. "My sister is a grown woman capable of making her own decisions regarding her personal life but if it makes her happy then I suppose you may have my permission." Gaara was now the one looking for an encouraging reaction. "You have spoken to her about it?"

Shikamaru shoved his hands in his pockets and looked away sheepishly. "Yeah, about that…"

_A successful courtship culminates in marriage in which a man and a woman exchange vows as a symbol of their commitment to each other. From that point on, a man must take on a different perspective of life if he wishes for his survival and the survival of his children. The psychological impact can sometimes be too much for one man to bear. _

"Why didn't you tell me it was going to be like this?" Shikamaru asked his father. The two of them were sitting on the porch playing Shougi. "It's like my entire life has changed right before my eyes and I am powerless to stop it."

"If I would have told you, would you have gotten married?" Shikaku said musing of his next move. Sliding his Silver General forward, he answered his own question. "Probably not, but don't let either of our wives hear that or we'll be in deep shit."

"My house isn't mine anymore. My money isn't mine anymore," Shikamaru complained. "Hell, my time isn't mine anymore. You know I had to ask permission to be here?" Shikaku only laughed at his son's antics making the younger man even more frustrated. To Shikamaru, it seemed his father thought this whole thing was one big joke.

"Marriage is pretty much the end of a man's life, as he knows it. However, he gains a new life with something that he never had before. A man could only be so lucky." Shikaku watched as his son absentmindedly moved on of his pieces. "You just have to learn to let go of the past." Shikaku pulled a captured bishop from the tray and placed it on the board. "Checkmate."

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End file.
